cross-posted from: https://piefed.world/c/scientificarticles/p/1459618/fear-responsibility-and-shame-in-young-mens-sexual-lives-new-study-suggests-that-many-yo
This study examines how this generation of young heterosexual men—who have come of age in the “age of consent”—emotionally experience sex. We thematically analyzed 31 in-depth interviews with men aged 18 to 32 years. The most striking finding is how rarely these men described enjoying sex. Three themes emerged. First, anxiety and vigilance accompanied sexual encounters. Second, there was a moral concern about causing harm to a sexual partner. Third, shame arose not only from accusations by others, but also from self-criticism. The themes overlap substantially, suggesting aspects of a complex, sometimes contradictory experience. The defining feature is an inward turn: a cultural suspicion of men appears to have been internalized by some young men. For these men, the question when navigating consent is often not only “does she want this?” but “am I the kind of man who could get this wrong?” Sex, as one participant put it, is “like you’re trying to defuse a bomb.” These young men have come to approach sex as a hazard to manage rather than a relational experience to share. They attributed this wariness to the cultural climate that surrounds consent.
I am not young and yeah I feel the same way. The negative externalities of romance/sex just massively outweigh the tangible benefits of having them. And the benefits of relationships for me are just… not existent for the most part.
And I have four nephews, three of which agree with me in their own way. They simple don’t see the benefit of having a girlfriend, but they do see the costs. And when they engage in dating they just feel exhausted and miserable and they don’t understand why they put so much effort in for so little happiness returned.
The world changed. 20 years ago relationships were not like this, but they are very different now. When I was in relationships in my teens and 20s I was not subjected to the amount of targeted manipulation and resource-seeking behaviors, but once I got into my mid 30s it was all I encountered.
The last time I had relationship that i felt was mutually rewarding was in the 2010. But it ended once she adopted the toxic mentality that I was not ‘doing enough’ for her, as in buying her things and insulating her from the consequences of her own choices. And it was entirely a product of her social environment that changed her attitude from happy and grateful to be together and support each other, to a cruel cost-benefit analysis with the expectation of a lopsided split in her favor at all times, and the expectation that nothing was ever her fault, because good partners don’t let you make mistakes, they prevent you from making them…
And sadly that mentality is all I seem to encounter in the dating market these days. I’m expected to be an authoritative father figure for most women I date, meanwhile I’m over here looking for an adult partner and a relationship built on respect rather than fiscal and emotional dependency. And both of us are miserable dating each other because we have wildly different expectations.
As a woman who occasionally dates men, thanks for sharing this perspective. Oddly, I have found with almost every guy I’ve dated since 2010, that they want to be a father figure or leader or household authoritarian more than they want to be a partner so it’s interesting to hear a guy mention it from this perspective. Perhaps its like the old dancing conundrum (leads say the number one issue is the follower trying to lead and followers say the number one issue is a lack of actual leading).
I think the resource part is sort of right though. I think I’m like that! I’m in my 30s, financially secure, and I have a number of deep and fulfilling friendships, so I absolutely don’t like putting up with anyone that brings more stress than relief into my life. Sex, while fun and all, just isn’t the main goal of any of my relationships, so it’s not even the top factors that weighs in on whether or not I’m putting up with someone. I do expect my partner to be an asset to me in ways other than just sex. Maybe that’s why I’m still single.