Is it so hard to just say what you mean the first time though?
“Hey, please do the dishes. It makes me upset to see them not done and I’m always the one doing them.”
Problem solved.
Instead the way you said you did it leaves so much open to interpretation “I don’t understand why he is all pissed off today I made sure the pan he was upset about not having last time was clean this time!!”
The you go on to say “make your expectations and desires clear” lol what the fuck.
God I hate people that do shit like this. Say what you mean. I kind of feel this “use your big words” meme to be completely honest. You would have had to say what you wanted one time instead of being cryptic about this pan or that glass or whatever while you slowly get more and more pissed each time and she’s slowly wondering what the fuck she is doing wrong each time.
The always having to tell her to do ANY chores is ridiculous but that would also have been another full sentence to put together and maybe make a list with check marks on it or something idk man but coming home and being like “I can’t use this pan when its crusty like this” isn’t communicating very well. Say what you mean to people the first time.
We all work full time jobs we shouldn’t have to come home and figure out interpretive dance or whatever. Just say what you mean.
I’ve had managers and significant others like this and I truly don’t understand it at all. We have perfected the use if words for communication for over 5000 years now. Use the words.
But I did. If I have clearly explained “this is your action. this is the consequence of that action,” and they have acknowledged that, then there shouldn’t be a need to go on at length. I communicated exactly what the issue was and how it affects me. She acknowledged that. Behavior didn’t change. Why should I need to do all the work for them? She is an adult. She does not need me to be her mom. She shouldn’t need me to treat her like a child, and should be able to pick up after herself, especially when she’s acknowledged the consequences of not doing so.
I did say what I mean. I’m not her mother. I don’t know why you’re jumping in to defend someone who is incapable of basic housekeeping unless specifically instructed each time. That is an unreasonable expectation to have. No one should need to be given instruction to take care of a shared space, especially when the consequences of not doing so aren’t just expressed by the other party, but acknowledged.
“Say what you mean” is so insulting, when there is no clearer boundary than “x behavior hurts me.” No other partner I have had has needed me to tell them to do the dishes or pick up after themselves after I’ve made it clear how it makes me feel.
Again, I shouldn’t need to mother my partner. They’re an adult. Expecting me to clearly tell them to do every basic chore is insulting. You’re pushing the entire mental load onto me, which is both unfair and immature. Additionally, both people in this situation were women.
edit: The implications that I’m incapable of communicating when I’ve given every indication of communicating with clear “when x, I feel y” statements, the gold standard of communication, are insulting. I have had absolutely no issues communicating with my partners before or since. The issue wasn’t a lack of communication, it was my partner’s choice to weaponize her incompetence. She never “forgot” when it affected her, only when it affected me. She knew, very clearly, that she was hurting me. If I said “it hurts when you slap me. When you slap me, it makes me sad,” and you slapped me right afterwards, “well you didn’t tell me to stop” wouldn’t fly as an excuse. I set a boundary. She crossed it. Repeatedly.
Is it so hard to just say what you mean the first time though?
“Hey, please do the dishes. It makes me upset to see them not done and I’m always the one doing them.”
Problem solved.
Instead the way you said you did it leaves so much open to interpretation “I don’t understand why he is all pissed off today I made sure the pan he was upset about not having last time was clean this time!!”
The you go on to say “make your expectations and desires clear” lol what the fuck.
God I hate people that do shit like this. Say what you mean. I kind of feel this “use your big words” meme to be completely honest. You would have had to say what you wanted one time instead of being cryptic about this pan or that glass or whatever while you slowly get more and more pissed each time and she’s slowly wondering what the fuck she is doing wrong each time.
The always having to tell her to do ANY chores is ridiculous but that would also have been another full sentence to put together and maybe make a list with check marks on it or something idk man but coming home and being like “I can’t use this pan when its crusty like this” isn’t communicating very well. Say what you mean to people the first time.
We all work full time jobs we shouldn’t have to come home and figure out interpretive dance or whatever. Just say what you mean.
I’ve had managers and significant others like this and I truly don’t understand it at all. We have perfected the use if words for communication for over 5000 years now. Use the words.
But I did. If I have clearly explained “this is your action. this is the consequence of that action,” and they have acknowledged that, then there shouldn’t be a need to go on at length. I communicated exactly what the issue was and how it affects me. She acknowledged that. Behavior didn’t change. Why should I need to do all the work for them? She is an adult. She does not need me to be her mom. She shouldn’t need me to treat her like a child, and should be able to pick up after herself, especially when she’s acknowledged the consequences of not doing so.
I did say what I mean. I’m not her mother. I don’t know why you’re jumping in to defend someone who is incapable of basic housekeeping unless specifically instructed each time. That is an unreasonable expectation to have. No one should need to be given instruction to take care of a shared space, especially when the consequences of not doing so aren’t just expressed by the other party, but acknowledged.
“Say what you mean” is so insulting, when there is no clearer boundary than “x behavior hurts me.” No other partner I have had has needed me to tell them to do the dishes or pick up after themselves after I’ve made it clear how it makes me feel.
Again, I shouldn’t need to mother my partner. They’re an adult. Expecting me to clearly tell them to do every basic chore is insulting. You’re pushing the entire mental load onto me, which is both unfair and immature. Additionally, both people in this situation were women.
edit: The implications that I’m incapable of communicating when I’ve given every indication of communicating with clear “when x, I feel y” statements, the gold standard of communication, are insulting. I have had absolutely no issues communicating with my partners before or since. The issue wasn’t a lack of communication, it was my partner’s choice to weaponize her incompetence. She never “forgot” when it affected her, only when it affected me. She knew, very clearly, that she was hurting me. If I said “it hurts when you slap me. When you slap me, it makes me sad,” and you slapped me right afterwards, “well you didn’t tell me to stop” wouldn’t fly as an excuse. I set a boundary. She crossed it. Repeatedly.